Friday, February 5, 2010

February 5th, 2010

I'm afraid.

I'm scared.

The only thing I know how to do is scan groceries.

At a high RPM rate.

Most of you don't even know what that is...

it stands for Rings Per Minute,

how many items one can scan in one minute.

The highest I have reached is 38 average for the week.

Not that anyone cares...

This is all I know how to do.

Yes, I can smile and greet, handle large cash sums, and help slow baggers pack the order too.

This is all I know.

So, I applied to a grocery store here.

They granted an interview...

and I blew it.

The store had an eerie feel. The man lead me up a dark stairwell for a interview in an office at the back of the store.

It made me nervous.

The question of availability arose, after some sheets of paperwork were signed.

He wanted me to change my availability to an open schedule, the store's operating hours, 6am-11pm.

It took me off guard and I restated my availability, which was on the application in front of him.

He pressed me, I felt badgered, I froze, like deer in headlights, he told me I would have to work Sundays.

I said no, I had church.

He told me everyone, even including him had to work Sundays.

When I held my ground, he said, "The interview is over."

He then told me, as I got up to walk out the door, "You will never get a job."

Those words run through my head all the time. Those words will not leave my mind.

Since then, I have filled out so many applications, posted resumes online, made phone calls, showed up asking about positions, asking for applications...


Not even a call.

It keeps running through my head, I should have changed my availability.

But then I wouldn't be able to go to fellowship.

He wanted me to close Sundays.

The whole reason for my move, was fellowship, like-minded belief, friends...and I connect so well w/these people. My heart melts, it "burns within" me (Luke 24:32). My mind is stimulated, "iron sharpeneth iron" (Proverbs 24:17).

My MBTI senses tell me I am surrounded by 'N's. ;)

I feel in my element, even if I am still a nervous wreck, but I know in time, I will open up, be more myself, speak my mind (sometimes it can't be helped, to my detriment...)

On the way back from open Bible, I had this impending sense of doom.

Was it because of my joblessness? I don't know...but I couldn't put my finger on it, didn't want to, so I displaced it onto my lack of a job.

Which is what this spiraled down into...

It's principle, "...if any would not work, neither should he eat." - II Thessalonians 3:10b

Yes, I understand, some people cannot work, but I can! I have two legs, two feet, potential...

But then I am scared.

I am scared to go on an interview.

I am afraid I will blow it, again.

I don't even want to leave the house.

Yes, I understand, I must leave the house to find a job, to apply for a job, to land an interview.

I just can't handle the rejection.

Please pray for me.

Pray for a job.

Pray for peace in my soul.

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7
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