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Tuesday, March 2, 2010

March 2nd, 2010

Why do I feel like I need to talk to someone?

My mind is running and racing...

Returning home will be an interesting experience.

I will continue my job search from afar...

How will it work?

Father, I place everything into your hands. Not my will, but Thine be done.

I miss my family, it seems I cannot stay more than two months away...if only there was a way to reconcile a visit every other month.

The tentative plan is to work Monday-Friday and find a part-time job for weekends. The tentative plan is to pay off the car.

My timing seems to always be off. I know this about myself, but yet I still plow ahead or complacently twiddle my thumbs.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Last Night

Did you want the truth?

Saturday, February 20, 2010

February 20th, 2010

Tonight I went to a coffee shop downtown.
A band from Southern California performed
music which sounded a cross between-
oh shoot, I promised I would not name
names. Stupid rules...

The problem with this whole blog is I am scared...
Scared of copyright infringment.
Scared of being sued.

I'm scared of a lot of things in life.

Fear is the enemy.

But music frees my soul.

Being in that atmosphere.

I felt home.

It's a dorky concept, but no matter where I am,
if there is music, I'm home.

On the drive home, I felt hyper and giddy.

It didn't help that a certain boy was there...and he touched my hand, twice.

No, it had nothing to do with that. ;)

At all.

It was the music, the moments, the rythym, the hot chocolate, the best friend, the boy...

Hmmm...

What?

No, I'm being silly.

Music is home.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Purpose of This Blog

The purpose of this blog is

to vent my feelings and emotions in a written format.

The only rule is

no names.

Friday, February 5, 2010

February 5th, 2010

I'm afraid.

I'm scared.

The only thing I know how to do is scan groceries.

At a high RPM rate.

Most of you don't even know what that is...

it stands for Rings Per Minute,

how many items one can scan in one minute.

The highest I have reached is 38 average for the week.

Not that anyone cares...

This is all I know how to do.

Yes, I can smile and greet, handle large cash sums, and help slow baggers pack the order too.

This is all I know.

So, I applied to a grocery store here.

They granted an interview...

and I blew it.

The store had an eerie feel. The man lead me up a dark stairwell for a interview in an office at the back of the store.

It made me nervous.

The question of availability arose, after some sheets of paperwork were signed.

He wanted me to change my availability to an open schedule, the store's operating hours, 6am-11pm.

It took me off guard and I restated my availability, which was on the application in front of him.

He pressed me, I felt badgered, I froze, like deer in headlights, he told me I would have to work Sundays.

I said no, I had church.

He told me everyone, even including him had to work Sundays.

When I held my ground, he said, "The interview is over."

He then told me, as I got up to walk out the door, "You will never get a job."

Those words run through my head all the time. Those words will not leave my mind.

Since then, I have filled out so many applications, posted resumes online, made phone calls, showed up asking about positions, asking for applications...

Nothing.

Not even a call.

It keeps running through my head, I should have changed my availability.

But then I wouldn't be able to go to fellowship.

He wanted me to close Sundays.

The whole reason for my move, was fellowship, like-minded belief, friends...and I connect so well w/these people. My heart melts, it "burns within" me (Luke 24:32). My mind is stimulated, "iron sharpeneth iron" (Proverbs 24:17).

My MBTI senses tell me I am surrounded by 'N's. ;)

I feel in my element, even if I am still a nervous wreck, but I know in time, I will open up, be more myself, speak my mind (sometimes it can't be helped, to my detriment...)

On the way back from open Bible, I had this impending sense of doom.

Was it because of my joblessness? I don't know...but I couldn't put my finger on it, didn't want to, so I displaced it onto my lack of a job.

Which is what this spiraled down into...

It's principle, "...if any would not work, neither should he eat." - II Thessalonians 3:10b

Yes, I understand, some people cannot work, but I can! I have two legs, two feet, potential...

But then I am scared.

I am scared to go on an interview.

I am afraid I will blow it, again.

I don't even want to leave the house.

Yes, I understand, I must leave the house to find a job, to apply for a job, to land an interview.

I just can't handle the rejection.

Please pray for me.

Pray for a job.

Pray for peace in my soul.

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:7

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Patience is not my virtue.

Try any of the others:

Love

Joy

Peace

Gentleness

Goodness

Faith

Meekness

Temperance

Even if he was single.

He likes shiny and pretty things.

I am not one of these flouncy bouncy trouncy "happy" people.

Kind of a whole "You Belong with Me" by Taylor Swift feel. :'(

Except I can't sing that song because he doesn't belong to anyone.

If.

If is one of my favorite words. If let's me change reality.

When you sing, I believe it.
This will always be true.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

January 28th, 2010

The easiest way to say something hard is to just blurt it out, "Say what you need to say."

I have never been good at this...giving myself an ulcer, holding in my anger, fear, hurt, excitement. I have always thought my emotions were written all over my face, but an ex-boyfriend recently revealed to me (and a close friend backed it up) that I hide my emotions well. Except for when I have bursted into tears...which comes as a shock. I put on an amazing front to the world where no one can tell what I am thinking. Even when I am smiling...huh.

I am always trying my best to keep an even demeanor because I think I fail so miserably, but it turns out I am succeeding.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

January 13th, 2010

All three of my closest friends are in serious relationships.

I had two failed relationships in six months.

Both of them cheated on me.

This is disconcerting.

Do I attract men who cheat?

I have never been one to become jealous of other girls...

My thinking has always been, if he wanted to be w/them, he'd ask them out, not me.

This is not to say I was blind to other woman flirting w/"my man" (which I hate that phrasing).

Yeah, I saw it. So?

But maybe this is flawed logic?
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